


Pinch wa Chansu nanda (A pinch is also a chance)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Break Up, Christmas, Friendship, Fuckbuddies, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: When Hikaru went to the door, he froze.Yabu felt torn, right then.He looked beautiful; he felt like giving up on how he felt, asking him to forget whatever he had said and jump him, right there in the entrance.





	Pinch wa Chansu nanda (A pinch is also a chance)

Yabu wasn’t happy.

There were moments where he got relaxed, moments where he had fun, moments where he managed not to think about anything unpleasant, where he let his mind wander into nothing.

But no, he wasn’t happy.

That morning he should’ve met Hikaru, and he already knew that once he would’ve come back home again, that sense of unhappiness would’ve only gotten sharp.

It happened often, as of late; they had been known each other too long, and Kota kept telling himself it wasn’t normal.

It wasn’t normal to feel that sense of void everytime Hikaru left.

It wasn’t fair demanding too much, when they just slept together, with no sentimental part in it, without any nice word or affections.

They fucked, nothing more and nothing less.

Right now, Kota couldn’t even say who had started it. He just knew it had been going on for months, for months they had been meeting in what little time they could spare, they jumped each other like animals and then they pretended that nothing had happened.

When he reached the place where they should’ve met – a yakiniku place in Ginza – he slowed down, until he stopped.

Hikaru was in front of the door.

From where he was he couldn’t see the elder, while the latter could perfectly see him.

He was beautiful.

With that ever relaxed expression of his, that smug face, those features that always seem ready to pop a smile.

Yabu felt the sudden desire to turn away and go back home.

He didn’t want to pretend, just like every time they met, that everything was fine, that that situation satisfied him, that there was nothing else he desired.

He thought about what had happened a few weeks before, and felt a sharp pain in his chest.

He thought about Hikaru’s words, and felt like crying.

_You know, I’ve slept with Yuya._

Yabu bit down on his lip.

He couldn’t say what had made him feel worse, if the fact that he had been with Yuya or the way he had told him about it.

It had been casual, as if he was talking about the weather.

There wasn’t regret nor guilt, and Kota had thought that he actually had nothing to feel sorry for about what had happened.

Because they weren’t together, and sex meant nothing. Hikaru had no tie, and he was free to do as he pleased.

Even hurting him, inadvertently so.

It had happened a few other times, the younger told him about it, and each time Yabu had wanted to scream, asking him to keep quiet, telling him that he didn’t want to hear, that he wanted to keep the illusion that what they had actually meant something.

But there was no relationship, and he had no right to complain.

He sighed, then started walking again.

Just before reaching him he forced himself to smile, and couldn’t help but realise how it had gotten harder to do so.

“Hi, Hikaru.” he said, keeping his voice in check.

Hearing him, the other boy turned and smiled, greeting him back.

They went inside, and Yabu froze for a moment, the desire to run back in control.

But he wasn’t going to leave, and he knew that.

Yaotome Hikaru was his drug, and as much as the thought that he couldn’t belong to him hurt, he still wasn’t ready to deprive himself of him.

 

~

 

It had been a week since the last time Hikaru had seen Yabu outside of work.

He saw him distant; he kept smiling, talking to him, as if there was nothing wrong, but Hikaru had the weird feeling it was all pretended, that the elder was forcing himself, that those smiles disappeared the moment he stopped looking.

He was worried.

He had known Kota for too long now, and cared about him more than he actually managed to show him.

He didn’t like the thought of him suffering, he didn’t like not knowing what was going through his mind.

He sighed, looking around.

He had sent him an e-mail that morning, asking him to meet at his place.

He didn’t want sex, he didn’t want the same routine that inevitably appeared whenever they were too close.

For once, he wanted to listen to him, asking him what was wrong, talking to him like they once did, when there was nothing between them but a healthy friendship.

It was what they needed; to go back, even for just a few hours, to those moments that seemed to be lightyears ago, and that he missed so bad.

He would’ve felt the same about Yuya, if it hadn’t been for the substantial differences between his character and Yabu’s.

Takaki had always been more open, more prone to talking.

And so they had reconciled sex with friendship in a natural way, without feeling uncomfortable about it, without letting their relationship being harmed by it.

It wasn’t rare for them to stay in bed and talk, about anything. More often than not, Yuya was the one who started talking, jumping from a subject to another, and Hikaru just laid next to him, listening, let the sound of his voice cradle him.

He found it incredibly relaxing.

And it was so different than with Yabu; between them it was more physical, more carnal.

He rarely talked when they met with the specific intent of having sex, as if there was some silent agreement between them. They met, they jumped each other and then the elder closed up in his silence, as if they were strangers and not friends.

He didn’t have a preference for either of them, he just recognized their differences. Still, it didn’t mean he didn’t care to go beyond Yabu’s silences, knowing what he was thinking, what he felt when they were together, tear down that wall between them.

He was still thinking about them when he heard the doorbell ringing.

He went to open, forcing to put on a convincing smile; when the door was open, he saw that Yabu’s face mirrored his own.

“Hi, Kota.” he said, moving away to let him in.

“Hi Hikka.” the other replied, going in and taking his shoes off. “I wasn’t expecting your call. We’ve had a lot of work this week, I thought you wanted to rest today.” he said, following him to the living room.

The younger shrugged, sitting down next to him on the couch.

“I’m not that tired. And anyway, I wanted to see you.” he said, getting closer and resting his head against his shoulder, distractedly caressing his hand.

They kept quiet for a while; then Yabu turned toward him, taking his face in his hand and stating to kiss him.

Hikaru let him do that; he lazily brushed his tongue against the elder’s, biting softly on his lips.

It was when Yabu brought his hands under his shirt, when his touch became more intimate, that he abruptly pulled away.

“Sorry, Ko. I don’t really feel like it.” he said, a half-smile that the other didn’t reciprocate.

He got up from the couch, turning his back on him, and Hikaru saw his shoulders raising and falling quicker, as if he couldn’t recover his breath.

When he turned, his face couldn’t hide his anger.

“Then why did you call?” he asked, cold.

Hikaru opened his eyes wide.

That was most likely the last thing he would’ve expected.

He didn’t know what he meant, what he was accusing him of.

He got up to get closer and rest his hand on his arm, but the other pulled away.

“What does it mean, Yabu?” he asked, frowning. “You’re my friend, aren’t you? Can’t I call you because I want to spend some time with you? Why aren’t you talking to me anymore about what you do, what’s going through your mind?” as he went on, his voice became more spiteful. “Do you really think that sex is all I want from you? Am I this shallow to your eyes?” he asked, sourly.

Yabu looked at him, and now he seemed more sad than angry.

“That’s not what I said, Hikaru. I...” he sighed, brushing a hand over his eyes as to put an order to his thoughts. “I’m just saying that since we’ve started sleeping together, there’s nothing else between us.” he tried, but all he got in return was a glare.

“And whose fault is that? Even when I’d like for you to stay and talk to me, you mutter some excuse and leave, so don’t try to pin this down on me.” he stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath. “And don’t say it’s about sex or something. It’s you. Because even if we sleep together, with Yuya I...” he tried to say, but the other stopped him.

“Don’t talk to me about Yuya.” he said between clenched teeth.

Hikaru looked confusedly at him, not understanding that sudden reaction.

“What about him now?” he asked, his voice more controlled now.

He saw Yabu hesitate and starting breathing heavily again, almost as if he was having troubles doing it.

He tried to get closer again, touching him; this time he wasn’t pushed away, but he could still feel the tension under his hands, which were caressing his arms, as to soothe him.

“Christmas’ in three days, Hikka.” he said, after a few moments of silence. He backed off. “Want to make me a present? Then choose between Yuya and me.” he murmured.

The younger stayed still, staring at him for what felt like forever, as if he couldn’t understand what he was talking about.

The silence became so long that in the end Yabu found it in him to look in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. Maybe that was too straightforward. I...” he said, trying to hide the trembling of his voice.

Hikaru shook his head, the look on his face still grave and incredulous.

“Kota... what does it mean choose between you and Yuya? I don’t...” he looked at him, sighing, and couldn’t finish the sentence.

“It means what I’ve said. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of feeling like I’m missing something. Tired of feeling hurt every time you name Yuya. I’m tired of everything, Hikaru. That’s why I’m asking you to choose. It doesn’t matter who but, _please_ , do it for me.” he said, blushing violently. He waited for the other to answer, but when he saw it wasn’t going to happen he spoke again. “I better leave now.” he whispered.

Hikaru didn’t know if Kota was expecting to be stopped; anyway, he didn’t.

He saw him walk to the entrance, unsteadily, and he held his breath until he heard the door slam.

Then he collapsed on the couch, as if he was lacking the strength to stay up.

He wished he could’ve given himself some time to think, but he knew it wasn’t really necessary.

As surprised as he was, he felt weirdly clearheaded.

Yabu’s words kept tormenting him, without giving him a break.

_Choose between Yuya and me._

How had he been so blind?

How had he been so selfish not to let himself even think that he could’ve been the reason behind Yabu’s discomfort, the reason behind the falseness of his smiles, the reason why he was suffering?

He kept telling himself that there must’ve been something to fix this, but he knew that there was only one right thing to do.

He took the phone and dialled.

“Yuyan?”

 

~

 

That wasn’t how Yabu had expected to spend Christmas’ Eve.

He had had to work that day, and as soon as he had come back home, he had felt too tired to do anything at all.

He had been avoiding Hikaru for two days.

He didn’t look at him, didn’t talk to him, tried to be as far from his as he could.

He felt ashamed about what he had said, for the way he had let the words get out freely, as if he had no control over them.

Nor the younger had tried to approach him in any way.

He didn’t know how to explain it.

Maybe he wanted to think about it, or maybe he wanted him to make the first move.

Or he was hoping that ignoring it, the problem would’ve gone away on its own.

And it had been what Yabu had hoped as well, still aware that he was deluding himself.

Once home, that night, he looked around; he glimpsed at the clock, seeing it was eleven thirty.

Half an hour, and it would’ve been Christmas.

He had asked his present from Hikaru; he had pushed himself further then he would’ve ever thought.

He had bared himself, had asked directly for what he wanted, without leaving the younger room to reply, without daring to ask what he thought about it.

Maybe he had been selfish, but he had come to a point where he couldn’t stand even another minute of that act.

He had dealt with himself, and in the end he had had to admit he loved Hikaru, whether he liked it or not.

Sex wasn’t enough, those moments where they gave in to their lowest instincts weren’t enough.

He wasn’t okay anymore with hearing the other say Yuya’s name like he said his, with sharing those things with someone else.

He had been home for no more than ten minutes, when he took his jacket and went out again.

A little while longer, and it was going to be Christmas.

And he was going to demand for his present.

 

~

 

When Hikaru went to the door, he froze.

Yabu felt torn, right then.

He looked beautiful; he felt like giving up on how he felt, asking him to forget whatever he had said and jump him, right there in the entrance.

He clenched his fists, clawing his palms.

Giving in to that instinct wasn’t going to do him any good, so as much as he wanted it, he held back.

“Hi, Ko.” the blond murmured, holding the door handle tight. “Want to come in?” he asked then, showing an obvious lack of confidence.

The elder shook his head.

“No, thank you. I’m not staying, I’m tired.” he hesitated, shifting his weight. “I just wanted an answer.”

They looked in each other’s eyes, a brief moment of silent understanding.

They both knew they couldn’t avoid this forever.

Hikaru sighed, then nodded.

“Yabu, I...” he murmured, then closed his eyes for a split second. When he opened them back, he looked more resolver. “I love you. We’ve been known each other for ten years, you’re my best friend.” he paused. “But I’m not willing to lie. I’m not in love with you.” he said, straightforward.

The other froze.

He was expecting it.

He knew he wasn’t going to get his happy ending, he knew that the request he had made had exposed him to a risk he didn’t feel sure he could’ve taken.

Perhaps, he was even prepared for a rejection.

But as much as he was, he still couldn’t stand the stabbing pain he had felt hearing those words.

“I understand. So... I guess your answer’s Yuya.” he said, biting down on his lip because he couldn’t afford to show any weakness, not now.

Hikaru made an exasperated sound.

“Is it all black or white for you, Kota? What do you think, that one or the other was the same?” he asked, irritated. “I didn’t start sleeping with you because I had no other options, I didn’t start sleeping with Yuya because you weren’t enough.” he explained. “I did because... well, because I w _anted_ you both. I realize that I’ve probably played with fire but, believe me, I didn’t mean to hurt either of you, nor it was my intention for it to come to this.” he sighed, taking a deep breath. “But it’s over. We can’t go on because it’d hurt us both, but it doesn’t mean I’ve chosen Yuya.” he lowered his eyes, staring intently at the floor. “I’ve broken things off with him as well.” he said then, his voice feeble.

Yabu, who up until then had been expressionless, opened his eyes wide.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I love you both and... I desire the both of you the same way. But I’m not _in love_ with either of you. I don’t want to make you suffer nor I want to do the same with him, I care too much about you to let it happen.” he explained, looking him in the eyes. “If I can’t have you both, then I won’t have either, because it’d be as if I’d always lack something. I’ve explained it to Yuya, and somehow he’s understood and accepted it.” he said, serious.

Kota frowned.

He understood it perfectly.

Rationally, he could also accept it.

He nodded briefly, taking a step back.

“It’s going to take some time, Hikaru, for everything to go back the way it was.” he said. “But... thank you, for having been honest with me.” he added, then walked toward the elevator. “I’m going, I...” he wanted to tell him he should’ve thought about what he had said, to try and realize that there was never going to be something more between them, to try and elaborate the sharp pain he was feeling in the middle of his chest, but he wasn’t able to formulate a coherent sentence.

Hikaru nodded, as if he had understood anyway.

“I know, Kota.” he said, and found superfluous to add anything else.

The elder was about to get inside the elevator, when a whisper reached him.

“Merry Christmas.”

He stopped, smiling involuntarily. A resigned smile, but still it was there.

“Merry Christmas, Hikaru.” he replied without turning, and then left.

He got outside. It was even colder than before, too cold for this time of year also.

Or perhaps it was just him.

He didn’t really know how he felt.

He just knew that what Hikaru had said was true; after all, they had been friends first, sex hadn’t changed that.

And because of that friendship, perhaps, he didn’t feel as bad as he would’ve thought.

Pain was there, and it was unthinkable that he could avoid suffering right now.

But somehow, he felt relieved.

He thought about all the times they had been together, how much he had wanted to tell him he loved him, when he talked about Yuya and Kota was forced to hide inside all the grudge he felt, all the smiles he had faked and all he had kept to himself.

There wasn’t going to be none of that anymore.

And, seeing it like that, even the bitterness of the rejection seemed to dim, at least a part of it.

He sighed, heading back home.

He had had his Christmas gift.

Hikaru had been clear. He had tried not to hurt him. He had proven loyal, and Yabu was grateful to him for it.

It wasn’t what he had desired but, still, he was glad he had gotten something at all.


End file.
